Database work on subscription
I fix your database without logging into it.
You send me exports. I send back a diagnosis, the index DDL, and rewritten queries that your own engineers run. No VPN, no credentials, nothing to put through a security review. Twenty years on databases, priced flat by the month.
- PostgreSQL · SQL Server · MySQL · Aurora · Azure SQL
- Start the same day
- Pause or cancel anytime
If you own the database
Performance and architecture
Queries, indexes, schema, recovery, and what the thing costs you to run.
From $1,495 →If you own the AI roadmap
AI data readiness
Whether your data can actually support the AI you already announced.
$9,500 fixed, 10 days →The fix I shipped · PostgreSQL 15
Three fixes from recent engagements, anonymized. Every finding comes with the plan and the number behind it, plus the script that changed it.
How it works
You export. I diagnose.
Your team runs it.
Most database consultants want a VPN, a jump server, and a security review before they can look at anything. That's five to ten business days if your infrastructure team moves fast. I start the afternoon you pay.
01 · You send
Six read-only commands
- Schema only, never data
- Top 50 queries by total time
- Index & table statistics
- Non-default config settings
- Execution plans for what hurts
- 14 days of instance metrics
02 · I diagnose
Read the plans, find the cause
- Query & index strategy
- Schema and data-type defects
- Lock and wait analysis
- Engine configuration
- Backup & recovery gaps
- Cloud spend and right-sizing
03 · You run
Scripts, not recommendations
- Ready-to-run SQL, idempotent
- Rollback block on every script
- Lock behavior & duration noted
- Ranked by impact, not effort
- Loom walkthrough of findings
- I check your before and after
Why it works this way. The moment an outside firm holds credentials to your production database, you've bought an uptime dependency and they've taken on a liability. That's why almost everyone in this category sells 24/7 monitoring contracts. They need the retainer to fund a night shift.
I don't want a night shift. I want the hard problems. So I never take production access. There's nothing to provision, nothing for your security team to review, nothing to revoke when we're done, and nobody outside your company holding a key to your customer data.
The health audit
What five days of reading your exports usually turns up.
A representative findings chart. Every audit gets ranked the same way, P0 through P3, by what the problem is costing you rather than by how interesting it is to me.
If I don't find at least three issues rated P0 or P1, you don't pay.
Pricing
Published prices. No scoping call.
Pay, upload your exports, get work back. If you'd rather talk to someone first, book fifteen minutes. Nothing on this page requires it.
Start here
$1,495
one-time · Performance Triage
72-hour turnaround
One specific problem. A report that takes 40 seconds. An endpoint that times out under load. A nightly job that started missing its window.
- Root-cause diagnosis with the plan attached
- The corrected query or index DDL, ready to run
- Before/after cost estimate
- 5-minute Loom walkthrough
- No call, and no account to create
Most popular
$3,500
one-time · Health Audit
5 business days
The whole database, read from exports. Schema, indexes, queries, configuration, recovery, and what you're spending to run it.
- Findings ranked P0 to P3, each with its evidence
- Every fix as a runnable script with a rollback
- 90-day remediation roadmap
- Cloud cost and right-sizing analysis
- 15-minute Loom walkthrough for your exec
- Fee credits in full against your first month
Three findings at P0 or P1, or you don't pay.
Ongoing
$4,995
per month · Subscription
48-hour average · pause anytime
A senior database architect working your queue for about a third of what hiring one costs, starting Monday.
- One active request at a time, unlimited queued
- Monthly review of the top ten regressions, ranked and fixed
- Schema review on your migration PRs
- Ongoing work on what the database costs you
- Up to 2 users on the board
- Still no production access needed
Not right after a week? 75% back, no questions.
Compared with hiring for it
A fully loaded senior data architect costs $180,000 to $220,000 a year and takes about three months to find. That's the number this is priced against.
| Hiring a DBA | Happy Database | |
|---|---|---|
| Time to first fix | ~3 months | Same week |
| Annual cost | $180k to $220k | $59,940 |
| Commitment | Permanent headcount | Cancel any month |
| Security review | Full onboarding | None, no access |
| When they leave | Back to zero | Written down, in your repo |
A second track
Your data was the problem.
Not the model.
Gartner expects 60% of AI projects without AI-ready data to be abandoned this year, and the cause is almost never the model. If you announced something and shipped nothing, this tells you which of your use cases the data can actually support, and what it would take to fix the ones it can't.
Readiness scorecard
- D1 Use-case alignment
- D2 Asset-level governance
- D3 Pipelines & quality gates
- D4 Live metadata
- D5 Continuous quality
▮ today ▯ after the 90-day roadmap
The three numbers for your board
- Ingestion feeding the fraud model failed 31% of runs in 90 days
- 12% of columns in AI scope carry any definition
- 47% of models have no downstream consumer at all
- Blocked Fraud scoring · G-003, G-007
- 6 weeks Support triage agent
- Blocked Churn prediction · no source exists
Gap register · redacted extract
G-003P0D3 · Quality gates
FindingTests exist but none block promotion, so failing data is delivered rather than stopped.
Evidence19 of 34 models carry tests. All 19 are set to severity=warn. dbt build has never exited non-zero on a data failure in the 90-day run history.
Consequence for fraud scoringThe model retrains on records that already failed a uniqueness test. Duplicated accountholders are scored twice and both scores are written back.
EffortM · blocks G-007, G-011
G-007P1D1 · Use-case alignment
FindingThe fraud model requires 5-minute freshness. Its source is batch loaded twice daily.
EvidenceStated requirement in intake G2. Orchestrator history shows ingest_txn scheduled at 02:00 and 14:00, mean completion 41 minutes.
ConsequenceEvery score is computed against data up to twelve hours stale. No amount of model work closes this.
EffortL · blocked by G-003
Scored against Gartner's five AI-ready data criteria, so the framework is theirs rather than mine. Real assessment structure, client details removed.
$9,500
- Scored across all five criteria, with a verdict per use case
- Gap register with evidence, consequence and effort on every finding
- 90-day roadmap, and the score it should move you to
- Still no access to your systems. Four files and 90 days of run history
- Fewer than five P0 or P1 gaps and you don't pay
What I don't do
Turning this work down is what keeps the turnaround at 48 hours.
If you need any of the following, say so and I'll point you at a firm that does it properly. There are several good ones.
- 24/7 on-call or incident response
- Uptime monitoring and alerting
- Patching, upgrades, backup operation
- Running DDL on your production servers
- Oracle licensing advisory or RAC
- ETL pipeline or BI report development
- Migration cutover weekends, which I quote as a project
- Application code beyond the data-access layer
Questions
Frequently asked
How this works
You really never need access to our systems?
Correct, on every product on this page. Everything I need is in the schema, the statistics views, the execution plans, your monitoring graphs, and for readiness work your dbt artifacts and pipeline run history. Your team can export all of it in a few minutes without granting anyone access to anything. You upload the files and answer a short set of questions, neither of which needs an account or a password. I deliver scripts and reports, and your engineers run them inside your own change process. If you later want me executing changes directly, that is a separate engagement with its own terms and its own price.
What if we can't produce the exports?
Every command is written out for you by engine, in copy-paste blocks. It is usually fifteen minutes for whoever already has psql or SSMS open. If pg_stat_statements or Query Store isn't switched on, I'll tell you how to enable it and what it costs you in overhead, which is close to nothing. If you truly can't produce them, we're not a fit yet, and I'll say so before taking your money.
Which databases and warehouses do you work on?
Databases: PostgreSQL including RDS and Aurora, Microsoft SQL Server on-prem or Azure SQL or Managed Instance, MySQL and MariaDB. For readiness work, warehouses: Snowflake, Databricks, BigQuery, Redshift. I work on the data model, the queries, the indexes, the pipelines and the engine configuration. I don't take Oracle licensing work, Cassandra, or anything where I'd be learning on your budget. If you're on something not listed, ask. The answer is sometimes yes.
How much of our team's time does this take?
About fifteen minutes for a triage, an hour for a health audit, and two to three hours for a readiness assessment. That covers running the export commands, uploading the files, and answering the questions. Most of the readiness time is the nine questions about your AI initiatives rather than the commands. After that, nothing until delivery. No status calls, no weekly check-ins, no discovery workshop. If I need something I email you and you reply when you can.
Who actually does the work?
TuBosun Abioye. Twenty years on databases, the last several as a database architect. I lead every engagement and write every finding myself. When the queue gets deep, overflow goes to senior engineers on my own team, not to offshore contractors and not to a junior running a script. Happy Database is operated by Candiid Labs Inc.
AI readiness
How is the AI Readiness Assessment different from the health audit?
Different question, different exports, different buyer. The health audit asks whether your database is healthy. The readiness assessment asks whether your data can support the specific AI use cases you have already named. It reads dbt artifacts, warehouse metadata and ninety days of pipeline run history rather than execution plans, and it produces a score, a gap register and a ninety-day roadmap rather than a set of index scripts. If your AI work runs against a production database and you have no warehouse at all, there is a track for that too.
How is the readiness score calculated?
Against Gartner's five criteria for AI-ready data, so the framework is theirs rather than mine. Each of the five scores zero to four, weighted, giving a number out of a hundred and a band running from Not viable up to Production grade. Every level has an evidence test attached, which makes the score reproducible: someone else reading the same exports lands in the same place.
Four of the inputs are computed rather than judged. Your actual pipeline failure rate over ninety days, your documentation coverage at column level, your test coverage and how much of it actually blocks, and what share of your platform has no consumer at all. You also get a verdict per use case, because an aggregate score doesn't tell you which of your three initiatives is blocked and which is six weeks away.
We don't use dbt. Does this still work?
Yes. There are three intake tracks. Track A is dbt plus a warehouse and gives the richest result fastest. Track B is a warehouse where transformations live in scheduled SQL or stored procedures. Track C is no warehouse at all, where the AI work runs directly against a production operational database, which is more common than people admit and usually the most urgent case. The score means the same thing on all three. Track A just takes me less time to reach it.
What if we score badly?
Most companies with an active AI initiative and no dedicated data platform team land between twenty-five and forty-five out of a hundred. That is the normal result, not a catastrophe, and I won't inflate a band to make the report pleasant to receive. The score is the reason you hired an outsider.
What makes it useful is the second half: which specific gap blocks which specific use case, in what order to clear them, what each one costs, and what score the roadmap should move you to. A low score with a costed ninety-day plan is a much better position than a good feeling and a pilot that has been six weeks from launch for two quarters.
Do you use our data to train AI models?
No, and it is written into the privacy policy rather than just promised here. Your artifacts are never used to train any model, mine or anyone else's, and they are never submitted to consumer AI services. Where I use AI tooling in my own work, it runs under agreements that exclude inputs from training.
Worth adding that the question is narrower than it looks in this case. What you send is schemas, statistics and dependency graphs, not customer records. There is nothing in it a model could learn a person from.
Can you fix what the assessment finds?
Yes, but not on this page and not on a subscription. Remediation is a scoped project delivered by Candiid Labs, my engineering company, and the assessment roadmap is what it gets quoted from. The full $9,500 credits against it if you go ahead within sixty days. Plenty of clients take the report and hand it to their own team instead, which is a completely fine outcome, and the report is written to survive that.
The subscription
How does the queue work?
You get a board. Add as many requests as you like. I work one at a time and deliver in about 48 hours, then pull the next. Bigger pieces like a partitioning strategy or a migration plan get broken down on my side and shipped in usable increments every day or two, rather than landing all at once at the end.
What happens once you've fixed everything?
Nothing stays fixed, because you keep shipping. Every release brings new queries, new access patterns, and indexes nobody needed last month. That's what the monthly review covers. You export, I rank the top ten regressions against last month's baseline and fix them. If you hit a quiet quarter, pause the subscription. Unused days bank and wait for you.
How does pausing work?
Billing runs on 31-day cycles. Pause on day 21 and the remaining 10 days sit in your account until you come back. They don't expire. Cancel outright any time from the billing portal. No notice period, no exit conversation.
Buying
Is a call required before we buy?
No. Every fixed-price product starts the moment you pay, upload your exports and answer the intake questions. Between them those do the job a discovery call usually does. If you want fifteen minutes first to check we're a fit, book it. I just don't make you sit through one to find out the price. For the readiness assessment most people do take the call, mainly to confirm which of the three intake tracks applies to their stack.
Will our security team need to review this?
Usually not, and that is the entire point of the design. I hold no credentials, connect to nothing, and receive no production rows. Most security reviews exist to assess what happens if a vendor is breached, and there is nothing here to breach.
What normally satisfies a reviewer is one paragraph: the artifacts are structural and statistical, a schema dump describes tables rather than rows, an execution plan describes how a query ran rather than what it returned, and a dbt manifest is a dependency graph. Files go to a private upload link that shows the uploader nothing else, and they are deleted ninety days after delivery. Ask and I'll send that in writing the same day along with the privacy policy.
Can we pay by invoice or purchase order?
Yes. The card links are there because they're faster, not because they're the only option. If your finance team needs an invoice, a W-9, ACH details, or a PO number on the paperwork, email me and you'll have it the same day. Net 30 available on request for fixed-price work. Candiid Labs Inc. is a registered US federal contractor, so the vendor onboarding paperwork is already in order.
Do you sign NDAs?
Yes, yours, at no charge, and it won't delay your start date. The terms already commit me to confidentiality, so an NDA is usually procedural, but plenty of companies need one on file. Send it with your intake and I'll return it signed.
Start
Name your worst query.
Have it fixed by Friday.
$1,495, seventy-two hours, no call and no access to your systems. You upload four exports and answer a few questions, neither of which needs an account. If I can't move it, I'll tell you what actually needs to change instead, and refund you.
Or email hello@happydatabase.com with your slowest query and I'll tell you whether it's worth a triage.